Netdix: Male Nudity on Netflix

Originally published by LondonFuse

My obsession of the on-screen cock shot started young. Now and Then was the movie that started me down this dark, perverted rabbit hole. I was about 10 when the movie was released on VHS. In one particular scene the annoying Wormer Brothers are skinny dipping in a lake. The movie takes place in the 70s when this was still a thing. The Wormer Brothers included major 14 year-old babe Devon Sawa (it’s not weird if I was 10 at the time). Our tween protagonists took the boys’ clothes because, again, the 70s. These were games kids played before the internet. As the Wormer brothers ran after them, at one point I swear you could see Devon Sawa’s junk. My friends and I spent summer days trying to pause the tape at the exact moment and then would giggle for 20 minutes.

Since then, I have realized that peens on the screen are few and far between. So I have taken it upon myself to spread the gospel of frank and beans in the realm of movies. We’re used to breasts, female full-frontal, and male pec shots – but the male-junk shot, it’s like a diamond in the rough, and we must cherish them, even when they are fleeting.

When drunk Deanne first propositioned this piece to the NetFlakes crew we all laughed it off. But when I came to the next day I re-read my text messages and thought “Hey, Deanne, that’s a swell idea you had there!” And, after promising this wouldn’t be a post of me just yelling “DICKS!” 499 times, they eventually caved and let me take the throne as NetFlakes’ onscreen peen queen.

So as a treat for you, dear NetFlakes readers, I have compiled a list of some of the greatest peen scenes to be found on Canadian Netflix.

Most hilarious movie peen
Jason Segel
Forgetting Sarah Marshall

This scene was a big moment, because it is the first on screen penis I viewed with my mother. Nothing solidifies a mother-daughter bond like seeing one of your favourite sitcom stars and his sad, defeated member. “I CAN SEE MARSHALL’S PEE PEE, I CAN SEE MARSHALL’S PEE PEE” exclaimed my flustered mother, referring to Jason Segel from his character in How I Met Your Mother. Bless her, I was 21 at the time and she still used the term ‘pee pee.’ Any boys wondering why I have some weird issues in the bedroom, there you have it. (Who needs a therapist when you can share your psychosexual issues on the Internet?)

The scene perfectly captures Jason Segel’s vulnerability as he is dumped by his on-screen girlfriend, the titular Sarah Marshall, played by Kristen Bell. Segel also has a second below the belt shot close to the end of the movie, so this film literally has male genitalia as book ends. In other words: It’s a masterpiece, because of his mister-piece?.

Most anticipated movie peen
Ben Affleck
Gone Girl

I read Gillian Flynn’s novel before viewing Gone Girl, so I knew the big twist. I also read some reviews, so I knew there was a sneak shot of Ben Affleck’s member.

While the whole theatre gasped as the movie revealed that (spoilers for Gone Girl) surprise!, Amy (played by Rosamund Pike) wasn’t dead. I had a similar reaction when I finally saw the side of Affleck’s penis.

The scene was truly a work of art. He’s tortuously taking a shower in the dark while Trent Reznor’s haunting score plays in the background. Water flowing down his sculpted body, I mean his wife has been missing for like 10 months, what else did he have to do in her absence then hit the gym every day? He turns, and there it is. I thought I was more of a Matt Damon girl, but all of that has changed. Yup, a lot has changed.

Most 90s Peen
Skeet Ulrich
The Newton Boys

The Newton Boys has the perfect mix of history, 90s heartthrobs and pre-war Texan dong. Matthew McConaughey, Skeet Ulrich, Ethan Hawke, and some non-90s babe (I’m told it’s Vincent D’Onofrio, who is apparently a very highly regarded actor… my bad) tell the true story of The Newton Boys, a 1920s bank robbing gang.

Now if you were like myself, aka the quintessential 90s tween, you lusted over Skeet Ulrich’s moody ways in The Craft, and his, erm, murderous ways in Scream.

And you bet I was glued to the screen when I heard hunky Skeet’s package was making a guest cameo. Skeet, Skeet indeed.

It comes at you quick during a montage of male bonding, complete with old-timey piano music: Fun times driving cars, playing poker, and all getting naked in a lake together. Bazinga. Luckily, my pausing skills were seasoned after my summer with Now and Then. Sometimes a glimpse is all you need.

In Remembrance Peen
Heath Ledger
Brokeback Mountain
Brokeback Mountain is a great movie for when you want to feel emotionally distraught about everything. If you want to feel sad about how Ennis and Jack could never be together, Jack’s tumultuous ending, how Ennis has to spend his life alone, how Heath Ledger is gone and how life is just horrible for everyone forever. I was PMS-ing while re-watching this gem so I was a mixture of randy and emotionally unstable. Perfect.

In all seriousness, this movie is a wonderful reminder of what an award-worthy actor Ledger had blossomed into. Granted, I loved him in fluffy movies like A Knight’s Tale and 10 Things I Hate About You. But it’s so disappointing we could not see him tackle more roles like this as he matured.

Speaking of maturity… weiners. You see Heath Ledger’s and it’s magnificent. Lest we forget.

Now this is just the tip (excuse the pun) of glorious movies on Canadian Netflix that include peen scenes. Just a reminder, you probably don’t want to put these in your kids’ Netflix queue.
Now I pose you these questions, Netflakes readers: A) was this post too crude for public consumption? B) What movie features your favourite dangle?

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