Watching Lucy, I found myself frustrated and distracted by the movie’s basic premise – that a typical human being only uses 10% of their brain power. It’s a “fact” that I and many if not most others have heard but it’s also total bullshit. The director, Luc Besson even acknowledges that the idea is silly but that it is an interesting starting point for a fictional movie. It would be easier to accept the premise and move on if it wasn’t for the movie’s insistence on emphasizing the science of it all. Morgan Freeman, the voice of credibility itself, stands at the front of a lecture hall, extolling the wonders of exceeding this 10% limitation. But, if that’s the way it’s going to be then I’ve got some other pitches for movies based on facts we’ve all heard but aren’t necessarily true.

5) 30 Minutes

What You’ve Heard: A pig’s orgasm lasts for up to half an hour.

Think Shame but animated like A Scanner Darkly – 30 Minutes is the story of an anthropomorphic pig whose orgasms last thirty minutes. Starting in late adolescence, the pig begins to discover how different it is from all of the other animals, leading to shame, isolation, and a painful relationship with his or her own sexuality. It’s a raw tale, dealing with the complexity of relationships and the struggle find acceptance from others and from oneself.

 

4) The Mouse Who Would Be King or Welcome to the Mickey Mouse White House

What You’ve Heard: When in doubt, American voters will write in the name “Mickey Mouse” on ballots

Who’s the leader of the nation made for you and me? M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E. Set in the real world, it’s been a depressing election season. Neither the incumbent nor his milquetoast opponent are inspiring national confidence. Tired, frustrated, and hopeless, voters, independently and jokingly, vote for Mickey Mouse, who is freshly in the national consciousness following the incredible popularity of Fantasia 3D. Mickey wins the election, bringing hope and joy to the world but also finding a way to solve national and international issues with wholesome, honest pluck and just a little bit of magic.

The marketing for this movie practically writes itself. Mickey on Mount Rushmore, Mickey “HOPE” posters, Mickey dressed up like Lincoln, etc. You’ve already bought your ticket.

 

3) An Uphil Climb

What you’ve heard: Tommy Hilfiger said that if he knew that <insert race of people> were going to wear his clothes, he wouldn’t have designed them

Exhausted during a PR tour to try to restore his image after this disastrous rumour began, Tommy Hilfiger accidentally knocks a clothing display over onto a group of teenagers, from a variety of races, in one of his stores. Understanding the ramifications of another racially charged scandal, Hilfiger invites the teens to come work for him as interns, leading to a variety of misadventures at Hilfiger HQ. Part Crash, part Willy Wonka, Tommy Hilfiger plays himself in an attempt to once and for all separate himself from the rumour.

 

2) Ear Bud

What You’ve Heard: Elephants can’t jump

Elmer is an elephant. At a very young age, Elmer watched Vince Carter on TV and fell in love with the idea of playing basketball. All his life, people told him that elephants don’t play basketball because elephants can’t jump. Still, Elmer finds that his height and trunk-handling skills make him a force to be reckoned with on the court. The final scene of the movie has Elmer running down the court as the clock runs down when a teammate lobs a pass too high to reach. Mustering all his strength, Elmer squats down and hurls himself into the air to catch the ball. His jump is intercut with (and matches exactly with) an incredible Vince Carter dunk we saw the elephant watch as a young calf.

 

1) Torn

What You’ve Heard: A worm that is cut in half will become two worms

This is the new sleeper hit Disney animated feature. A young child worm suffers a horrific accident with a trowel and is cut in half. The original front half of the worm is rushed to hospital while the former “tail” end is left in the dirt. The dirt is scooped up and transplanted to a far-off land. As the dirt is taken away, a new head emerges from the tail. The first worm is treated and goes on to become a successful productive member of worm society while the other becomes a self-made… something. I don’t really care about the details too much. The point is, the worms find out about each other and feel a connection to each other. They feel compelled to one another and eventually find each other and fall in love, finding what is missing in themselves in the other. Also, BAM, they’re both dudes. Gay worms. Suck it, Frozen.

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Dylan Clark-Moore is a podcast creator and blogger at NetFlakes. You can find him on Letterboxd and Twitter.

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